Reconstituted Families

This week has been really eye opening to me. We discussed divorce and remarriage which are things that I haven't given a ton of thought to before. I lived with my uncle this summer who has been divorced twice and he shared with me how emotionally challenging divorces are. As we looked at the challenges that face those getting remarried, especially if you have children from a previous marriage, I was shocked by how many forces are at play. From the continuing relationship that has to be  maintained with your ex, to disciplining step children, there are lots of things to think about. One thing that really stuck out to me from the things we read and talked about was how most of those getting remarried come into the marriage with unrealistic expectations, such as the kids will accept their new spouse, or that their new family will be the same as their old one. The thing I love most about this class is that by learning about these common oversights we are becoming well prepared to help others. We talked about some suggestions to help make the remarriage transition easier which I really liked. The first thing to be aware of is that it will take about two years to reach normalcy. That doesn't mean that life will be like it was before but that you will finally develop your schedules and reach a point where you are doing things on a regular routine that feels normal. The second advice was that the biological parent is the one who does the heavy disciplining. This made a lot of sense to me because you want to develop a good relationship with your new stepchildren before they will even start to listen to you or see you as a parent figure. The last counsel was that there will need to be lots of closed door conversations where you talk about the issues and problems that are going on and come up with ways to overcome them. I hope to never be in the situation where I need to go through the divorce and remarriage process, but I am grateful that I was able to learn about the problems those in that situation face. We watched an extremely touching music video by Brad Paisley which I will post the link to.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

This week I feel like I learned some things that helped me better understand who I am as a person and some of the experiences I went through as a youth. We spent most of this week talking about the work of Michael Popkins and his Active Parenting model. Popkins postulates that parents should respond to children's needs and not to their behavior. He said that their behavior is just a symptom of the need they have that isn't being met. This hit home with me especially as we went through the list of behaviors Popkins defined and what the corresponding need is. In my childhood, I rebelled a lot and Popkins says that is because I didn't feel powerful and the parenting approach my parents should have taken was to give me choices and consequences instead of just restricting what I did. My biggest problem with my parents was they were never willing to let me do things that I wanted so I felt powerless and I rebelled and did what I wanted behind their backs. I liked another one of Popkins scenarios, he said that children who engage in risky behavior are not having their need met to face something challenging. He said that as parents the way you could help fill that need is encourage your child to tackle something hard like building a car from scratch. I love Popkins ideas, it seems to make so much sense to me that our behavior is just symptoms. I would love to hear anyone who reads these ideas to comment about their childhood and if their behaviors were symptoms of their needs not being met.

Work and the family and how they affect each other

This week we read some really interesting articles about the role that work plays in the family, from deciding who is going to work, where they are going to work, and what division of household work will be divided amongst the individual family members. I am going to include the links to some of the resources that we read this week because I thought they were really well written and I gained great perspective from reading them. First off I want to state that I believe in something called "The Family: A Proclamation to the World". This is a religious statement made by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to which I belong. Part of this statement reads "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." This is the essence of what I believe to be correct in regards to the relationship of work in the home, that the father is to be responsible to provide the necessities of life and that the mother is primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. One article we read this week was advice on how to go from a dual income family down to just a single income family. It was really good advice but I think if we started out surviving on a single income that we would avoid the trouble of trying to make that transition later on. We also read a really good article about if being a mother means that you trade your brain for a mop so to speak. I don't think so, I thoroughly agree that in our day and age there are limitless ways to continue to develop your mind without leaving your home. I love how this statement clarifies that fathers and mothers are obligated to help each other as equal partners. That is beautiful to me because to me that means if I see that a bed needs made or a toilet needs cleaning that I don't say to myself "Oh that is my wives job since she is home all day and I am out working". The last article we read this week talked about work in the family as being the very thing that draws us together and is the facilitating force to creating strong family bonds. This is something that I firmly believe because it was a principle that I saw exhibited in my own family. I really like how it pointed out that we are trying to create so many machines to do our work for us but that they are in reality taking away those opportunities that we desperately need to spend time together and bond. I believe The Family: A Proclamation to the World came from God to His living prophet and that it is a blueprint for happiness and it is definitely what I will be striving for in my own life.




http://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/



http://www.dennisprager.com/columns/?g=8e8f6ecd-d9c8-4bc0-a4bb-ad12d301044b&url=does_a_full-time_homemaker_swap_her_mind_for_a_mop

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765556846/Staying-at-home-How-to-downsize-from-dual-to-single-income.html?pg=1

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Crisis in the family

This week we talked about the crisis in the family and the affects it has on individuals and as the family as a whole. One thing we talked about that I really enjoyed was viewing crisis through the symbolic interaction theory. This theory states that each person can interpret and view the same event and come up with completely different meanings. I had an interesting experience as I went out and talked to other people about crises that happened in their families and how they defined them. One of my friends said that in high school her dad was changing jobs so he worked all like 18 hours a day. She said that it was kind of nice because he wasn't around to bug her but to her mom it was really difficult. I thought this example was illustrative of how the same event can mean completely different things to people in the same family living under the same roof. I like how we discussed the normative stressors that are events that are going to happen to most families over the period of life. These are things such as the birth of new children, marriage of children, and the death of a parent. It was nice to see the different coping patterns and to see which ones don't produce growth over the long term. Reframing, which is where you change your perspective of something that has happened in the past, is something that has really helped me in my life. When we have negative experiences we tend to focus on the negative outcomes but as I've gone back and looked at the negative experiences I've been able to reframe them in my mind as learning experiences which I think has really helped me with coping.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week we talked about some pretty personal confidential information. We discussed the differences in the sexual response cycle for a man and a woman. Most of us have heard the idea that men are like microwaves and women are like ovens but most of us don't stop and think about how those very observable differences can cause problems in marriage. One thing that was said in class that I really liked was that these differences give us the ability to serve each other and overcome our own selfish nature. I think that is very true and when we take the time to make sure the needs of our spouse are met they will reciprocate. We transitioned into talking about the different types of infidelity that can occur in a relationship. Most of us are aware of the sexual affair because we see it all over the media constantly. Some of the well less known forms of infidelity are: Fantasy Affairs,
Visual Affairs, and Romantic Affairs. Fantasy affairs occur when you fantasize about a fictional character or a real person who is unaware that you are doing that. In a marriage this can cause great harm because you don't want your partner fantasizing they are with someone else when they are doing stuff with you. The visual affair involves viewing pornography and can cause great problems because the images are digitally created to look perfect which is not reality. A romantic affair is sharing sexual thoughts as well as a deep emotional connection with someone other than your spouse. Knowing all these forms of infidelity exist will help me to be more aware of my actions when I am married. We talked about ways to combat infidelity and for me it all converged with the principle of appropriate boundaries. When you start sharing something inappropriate with your opposite sex co-worker you are breaking boundaries and that leads down a dark road. It was really interesting to think how seemingly small things like carpooling with a member of the opposite sex can led to a sexual or romantic affair not because that is what your intentions were starting out but because you broke boundaries like confiding in them or sharing problems you are having with your spouse. We also talked about what the research tells us about couples who experience infidelity. I was shocked to see that around 70% wanted to try and work things out and around 50% actually stayed together and said their marriage was stronger than before the infidelity. It is really comforting to know that each of us can repent and change and find forgiveness for such a hurtful act.

Transitions in Marriage

This week we talked about transitions in marriage and what problems a couple might run into as they are establishing their identity as a new couple. I was really surprised by some of the seemingly little things such as style of decorations, and scheduling can cause problems. I guess the view I have always taken is that if you love each other you will be able to work those little things out but we determined that if you don't have good communication skills then even seemingly little things like those will give you trouble. It really is interesting to see how gender roles can play a big role in the adjustments that occur in the first month of marriage. For instance both of you have been living separately and taking care of all the things necessary for existence. When you get married you sort of automatically think that your spouse is going to start assuming the gender specific roles you saw modeled in your home growing up. For example a few common gender role tasks associated with women are grocery shopping and cooking. Since both of you have been doing those things separately you will have to talk about it and make adjustments to determine who will do certain things. There are also adjustments that have to be made in the first year of marriage like where will you go for the holidays and what traditions do you want to continue from your families of origin. I think for a lot of people we just assume these things are going to take care of themselves but something that was said in class that i thought was very profound was "Wonderful things wont happen accidentally, wonderful things are deliberately planned." I think there is a lot of wisdom to that sentence and I learned a lot from thinking more along those lines.

Ever wondered why your dating life hasn't worked out in the past? Time to reevaluate your approach to dating. I can help you.

This week we talked about what things attract us to each other as well as the different types of love out there. We also talked about misattribution of arousal and the research that has been done that shows cohabitation has negative consequences. I really liked going over the things that attract us to each other, believe it or not if you ask someone what makes someone attractive to them they have a hard time defining the attributes of someone, we most likely respond "you just know you are attracted to them". One thing about the information we covered this week that I felt really applied to my life was something I read in the book, "How to not marry a jerk". The author was talking about what causes us to form bonds with others and he called it the "RAM" model which is broken into five different categories, know, trust, rely, commit, touch. I had a realization that in my past relationships I have totally gone against this model and gotten close to someone in disproportionate areas of my life. I think my biggest take away from all that was discussed this week was that when you are dating you are setting the stage for how your marriage will eventually turn out. This was quite the important realization for me because it made me rethink my whole dating habits. I'm still thinking about how to change them so I'll have to get back with you on this topic some other time. 

Gender Roles & Seeking to Understand Same Sex Attraction

This week we talked about two different subjects, gender roles and seeking to understand same-sex attraction. I want to write about each of these because I feel like they are each relevant to things currently in the news, as well as having a direct impact on lots of people's daily lives. Gender roles refer to the behavior associated with being male or female. I believe misunderstanding what your partners views on gender roles cause lots of marital problems even leading to divorce. If the man thinks the woman is supposed to do certain things that she doesn't do or vice versa then there is conflict. Gender roles are shaped through what we see in our own families as well as the societies we are raised in. If each of us is looking for someone to exhibit the gender roles we were raised around then this topic is something that needs to be talked about in dating. You should ask the person you are dating what gender roles her parents assumed, what role she is willing to assume, as well as what role she expects you to assume. By doing this, there are clear expectations established. One of my favorite quotes is, "All frustration comes from unmet expectations." I sincerely believe that is true and by defining what gender roles you and your spouse will play will decrease the probability of there being unmet expectations in your relationship. 

To transition to the topic of same-sex attraction let me start out by saying this was quite the touchy subject to talk about in class. The readings about this topic were very well put together and we read an article that debunked the biological argument. We all have heard via the news and through social media that people with same-sex attraction are born that way and it turns out that is just not the case. The studies they say back up the biological arguments are fault ridden and the authors of those studies have even themselves said their research is being misinterpreted. Of course, those statements haven't been popular with the news but nonetheless they are true. We watched a few videos about counselling for those who have those feelings but want to change and the biggest thing that struck me was that I might be responsible for not allowing people to change by my words and actions. One of the main emphasis's in this counselling was for those with same-sex attraction to be accepted by their same-sex peers. I know for myself that I have always struggled spending time and associating with those I felt were "gay" and that I've said my fair share of negative things around them. I learned this week that by doing that and not being accepting it is extremely harmful to those that are wanting to change and develop non-sexual relations with same sex peers. I learned that by not being willing to include them can be one of the forces that drive them to make that lifestyle choice. I learned a lot more than these few things, but I have such short time to write about them so I will end on that note. Feel free to comment if you would like to know more about any of the issues and topics I discuss.

Culture, how to perpetuate the good and get rid of the bad.

This week we discussed a handful of different cultures that we are exposed to here in America. We talked about the cultural strengths and weakness's of Caucasians, African Americans, Hispanics, and Asians. We read a qualitative study about the experiences of ten Hispanic families who immigrated to America illegally and discussed the effects it had on their families. In class, we performed a role-play that re-created and acted out the study we read. This allowed us to put ourselves in the shoes of the people we read about and imagine what it might have felt like to go through their experiences. I volunteered to play the role of a teenage son who was 14 when my dad immigrated to America so he could get a job and save up enough money to then bring the rest of the family to America. There were also volunteers that played a mom, dad, aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, and grandparents. Our professor was a great facilitator and would describe what events were taking place within the family, but then he would ask each of us how we felt about the unfolding situations. This allowed us to actually feel, in a small way, what it would be like if we were really in that situation. As we worked our way through this experience it highlighted how family roles change dramatically in response to major life changes. In the study we read it explained that the main reason the families decided to immigrate to America was better education for their children which they perceived would give their children an advantage in life. The study found that they achieved this at a very steep cost. Because of how expensive it is to immigrate illegally the father might live here for years before he can afford to bring his family over. This caused all kinds of family challenges with his immediate and extended family he left behind. When he was finally able to get his family here the relationships between he and his wife and children had deteriorated because of the separation. Some of the other costs were that both the husband and wife had to work here in America because the cost of living is higher which led to them not being able to spend dinner together which was part of their culture in Mexico. In economics, this is what is called unintended consequences, things that resulted because of their lifestyle change that they weren't necessarily expecting. One of the things said in class was, "Wise people check their cultures" meaning that instead of just perpetuating a family or cultural experience you stop and analyze it and see why you are continuing it. Are you doing it solely because it is tradition or because it is beneficial to you in some way? I also really liked how it was said, "Unless we do something intentional about our culture and traditions we will end up doing things just like our parents." To me this meant as much as we say we don't want to incorporate the negative aspects of our familial upbringing into our own family unless we sit down and make a conscientious effort to identify the things we want to change and then work on them we will end up reverting back to what we know. We focused a lot on proper boundaries between different parts of the family and this is definitely something I have seen negatively affect me personally. When boundaries don't change when a child gets older it can lead to a very unhealthy relationship between parent and child as the child tries to go on with their own adult life. This is one of the reasons I love the idea and thought of going into counseling because I will be able to teach people the proper roles in different relationship settings so that they can live a happier and healthier life. 

This week was pretty interesting, we learned about the prominent theories that help family therapists in their work. We talked about four different theories namely, systems theory, conflict theory, exchange theory, and symbolic interaction theory. At first I was a little bit leery about how useful these different theories are but as I read more about them they started to make perfect sense. The theory that made the most sense to me based on the family background that I came from is the systems theory. It states that there are subsystems in the family such as the spousal subsystem or the father-son subsystem or the brother-brother subsystem and that there are boundaries and rules that govern how each subsystem interacts within the whole of the family. The main premise of the theory is that you can't just single out one person in a family for counseling because each person has an effect on everyone in the family, stated succinctly as the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. One analogy was given how all the ingredients of a cake are components but what you take out of the oven is more than just the individual parts. It also talked about how one little ingredient like baking soda can effect if the whole rises or not. I had never really thought of the family in this light before. I always thought when there were problems it was some individuals fault and that if they could get their act straightened up everything would be fine. Systems theory is saying that there are forces being exerted on that individual by the other members of the family that might be influencing them to act that way and that the therapist should analyze the whole family, not just one individual to try and bring about the desired change.
I also really liked the conflict theory which is that when there are two or more people or groups with different views and opinions they will experience conflict. I think this almost borders along common sense, but I think it is a good thing to always remember. With that in mind, you can ask questions to try and find out what the differing opinions and views are so they can be brought to the table and discussed.
We all had a good chuckle in class regarding symbolic interaction which says that everything we do is symbolic for something. For instance, not giving someone a kiss or hug when you see them could mean a multitude of things. One person might think giving a kiss means you like someone while the other person might think it means something totally different. I think there is a huge potential for misunderstanding when we base our relationships on symbolic interaction. Basically, you would need a relationship dictionary explaining what you are meaning whenever you do something nonverbal in an attempt to communicate something to the other person. Anyway, this was a long post. Just some really interesting things to think about.

Demographic Winter....

This week my mind has been blown. Lots of myths were debunked with the most notable one being that the earth is being over populated. As we dove into the social science and demographic research I was astonished to learn how low fertility rates are currently around the world. When we talk about fertility rates we mean the average number of children a woman will have in her lifetime. Another term is  the replacement fertility rate which means the fertility rate necessary for a population to maintain its current number. The fertility rate is 2.13 children per woman and I was shocked to find out that America is the ONLY nation in the world that is higher than 2.13. Most European nations are somewhere between 1 and 2. What this means is that as the European population ages there are not enough children being born to replace the ones that die. As we learned more about the negative and unintended consequences that will occur because of this I was blown away. The economic and social implications are staggering. Economically speaking for instance if 50 million baby boomers leave the workforce and only 30 million come in, then those 30 million will have to work longer and harder and taxes will increase as we try to support those 50 million people who retired. Socially speaking because nations aren't having the necessary children to maintain the status quo, immigrants are coming into those countries. This means that eventually the natives of a country could cease to exist and then you would only have the immigrants who had moved there. Ok, enough for the doomsday scientific stuff, now for the optimistic stuff. As I am a man of deep faith in God I believe He sent us here to earth for specific purposes. The first purpose was to receive a physical body, anyone reading this has already accomplished that step. The next purpose is to form families. The trends of the last 30-40 years have led us to this point where a majority no longer want to have many children or even have them at all. We like to think that this is a personal choice and it has no implications on anyone else but ourselves. Based on the things we learned this week I don't believe that is true. I believe we will see severe repercussions for our choices to have fewer or no children. Yes, I realize that having children in this wicked world today can cause people to be afraid to do so. But this is where we must turn to our faith in God and show that faith by heeding the commandment to "Multiply and replenish the earth." (Genesis 1:28) Now these are just my opinions based on the evidence that was presented to me this week. I want to share with all who read this the link to watch the videos we watched this week which have shaped my opinions thus far. That way each of you can decide for yourself what you think the evidence is saying to you. Would love to hear everyone's comments!

http://www.byutv.org/show/5e819b00-5e99-4bf4-931e-c154d3c2dc8d/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter

That is the link to the first video, this is the link to the second one. They are each about an hour long, but I promise it is worth the time.

http://www.byutv.org/watch/b3dfa9f3-6e20-4d64-af96-fbf3fd64670a/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-2

Titles Are Weird

Hey, Tim here.
Welcome to my marriage and family oriented blog. Buckle up your seatbelts and take this ride with me. I will be posting weekly about things learned in a college course I am taking this semester.
I am very passionate about helping couples resolve their issues and am really excited to increase my knowledge in this area. Hope you enjoy!