Ever wondered why your dating life hasn't worked out in the past? Time to reevaluate your approach to dating. I can help you.

This week we talked about what things attract us to each other as well as the different types of love out there. We also talked about misattribution of arousal and the research that has been done that shows cohabitation has negative consequences. I really liked going over the things that attract us to each other, believe it or not if you ask someone what makes someone attractive to them they have a hard time defining the attributes of someone, we most likely respond "you just know you are attracted to them". One thing about the information we covered this week that I felt really applied to my life was something I read in the book, "How to not marry a jerk". The author was talking about what causes us to form bonds with others and he called it the "RAM" model which is broken into five different categories, know, trust, rely, commit, touch. I had a realization that in my past relationships I have totally gone against this model and gotten close to someone in disproportionate areas of my life. I think my biggest take away from all that was discussed this week was that when you are dating you are setting the stage for how your marriage will eventually turn out. This was quite the important realization for me because it made me rethink my whole dating habits. I'm still thinking about how to change them so I'll have to get back with you on this topic some other time. 

Gender Roles & Seeking to Understand Same Sex Attraction

This week we talked about two different subjects, gender roles and seeking to understand same-sex attraction. I want to write about each of these because I feel like they are each relevant to things currently in the news, as well as having a direct impact on lots of people's daily lives. Gender roles refer to the behavior associated with being male or female. I believe misunderstanding what your partners views on gender roles cause lots of marital problems even leading to divorce. If the man thinks the woman is supposed to do certain things that she doesn't do or vice versa then there is conflict. Gender roles are shaped through what we see in our own families as well as the societies we are raised in. If each of us is looking for someone to exhibit the gender roles we were raised around then this topic is something that needs to be talked about in dating. You should ask the person you are dating what gender roles her parents assumed, what role she is willing to assume, as well as what role she expects you to assume. By doing this, there are clear expectations established. One of my favorite quotes is, "All frustration comes from unmet expectations." I sincerely believe that is true and by defining what gender roles you and your spouse will play will decrease the probability of there being unmet expectations in your relationship. 

To transition to the topic of same-sex attraction let me start out by saying this was quite the touchy subject to talk about in class. The readings about this topic were very well put together and we read an article that debunked the biological argument. We all have heard via the news and through social media that people with same-sex attraction are born that way and it turns out that is just not the case. The studies they say back up the biological arguments are fault ridden and the authors of those studies have even themselves said their research is being misinterpreted. Of course, those statements haven't been popular with the news but nonetheless they are true. We watched a few videos about counselling for those who have those feelings but want to change and the biggest thing that struck me was that I might be responsible for not allowing people to change by my words and actions. One of the main emphasis's in this counselling was for those with same-sex attraction to be accepted by their same-sex peers. I know for myself that I have always struggled spending time and associating with those I felt were "gay" and that I've said my fair share of negative things around them. I learned this week that by doing that and not being accepting it is extremely harmful to those that are wanting to change and develop non-sexual relations with same sex peers. I learned that by not being willing to include them can be one of the forces that drive them to make that lifestyle choice. I learned a lot more than these few things, but I have such short time to write about them so I will end on that note. Feel free to comment if you would like to know more about any of the issues and topics I discuss.

Culture, how to perpetuate the good and get rid of the bad.

This week we discussed a handful of different cultures that we are exposed to here in America. We talked about the cultural strengths and weakness's of Caucasians, African Americans, Hispanics, and Asians. We read a qualitative study about the experiences of ten Hispanic families who immigrated to America illegally and discussed the effects it had on their families. In class, we performed a role-play that re-created and acted out the study we read. This allowed us to put ourselves in the shoes of the people we read about and imagine what it might have felt like to go through their experiences. I volunteered to play the role of a teenage son who was 14 when my dad immigrated to America so he could get a job and save up enough money to then bring the rest of the family to America. There were also volunteers that played a mom, dad, aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, and grandparents. Our professor was a great facilitator and would describe what events were taking place within the family, but then he would ask each of us how we felt about the unfolding situations. This allowed us to actually feel, in a small way, what it would be like if we were really in that situation. As we worked our way through this experience it highlighted how family roles change dramatically in response to major life changes. In the study we read it explained that the main reason the families decided to immigrate to America was better education for their children which they perceived would give their children an advantage in life. The study found that they achieved this at a very steep cost. Because of how expensive it is to immigrate illegally the father might live here for years before he can afford to bring his family over. This caused all kinds of family challenges with his immediate and extended family he left behind. When he was finally able to get his family here the relationships between he and his wife and children had deteriorated because of the separation. Some of the other costs were that both the husband and wife had to work here in America because the cost of living is higher which led to them not being able to spend dinner together which was part of their culture in Mexico. In economics, this is what is called unintended consequences, things that resulted because of their lifestyle change that they weren't necessarily expecting. One of the things said in class was, "Wise people check their cultures" meaning that instead of just perpetuating a family or cultural experience you stop and analyze it and see why you are continuing it. Are you doing it solely because it is tradition or because it is beneficial to you in some way? I also really liked how it was said, "Unless we do something intentional about our culture and traditions we will end up doing things just like our parents." To me this meant as much as we say we don't want to incorporate the negative aspects of our familial upbringing into our own family unless we sit down and make a conscientious effort to identify the things we want to change and then work on them we will end up reverting back to what we know. We focused a lot on proper boundaries between different parts of the family and this is definitely something I have seen negatively affect me personally. When boundaries don't change when a child gets older it can lead to a very unhealthy relationship between parent and child as the child tries to go on with their own adult life. This is one of the reasons I love the idea and thought of going into counseling because I will be able to teach people the proper roles in different relationship settings so that they can live a happier and healthier life. 

This week was pretty interesting, we learned about the prominent theories that help family therapists in their work. We talked about four different theories namely, systems theory, conflict theory, exchange theory, and symbolic interaction theory. At first I was a little bit leery about how useful these different theories are but as I read more about them they started to make perfect sense. The theory that made the most sense to me based on the family background that I came from is the systems theory. It states that there are subsystems in the family such as the spousal subsystem or the father-son subsystem or the brother-brother subsystem and that there are boundaries and rules that govern how each subsystem interacts within the whole of the family. The main premise of the theory is that you can't just single out one person in a family for counseling because each person has an effect on everyone in the family, stated succinctly as the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. One analogy was given how all the ingredients of a cake are components but what you take out of the oven is more than just the individual parts. It also talked about how one little ingredient like baking soda can effect if the whole rises or not. I had never really thought of the family in this light before. I always thought when there were problems it was some individuals fault and that if they could get their act straightened up everything would be fine. Systems theory is saying that there are forces being exerted on that individual by the other members of the family that might be influencing them to act that way and that the therapist should analyze the whole family, not just one individual to try and bring about the desired change.
I also really liked the conflict theory which is that when there are two or more people or groups with different views and opinions they will experience conflict. I think this almost borders along common sense, but I think it is a good thing to always remember. With that in mind, you can ask questions to try and find out what the differing opinions and views are so they can be brought to the table and discussed.
We all had a good chuckle in class regarding symbolic interaction which says that everything we do is symbolic for something. For instance, not giving someone a kiss or hug when you see them could mean a multitude of things. One person might think giving a kiss means you like someone while the other person might think it means something totally different. I think there is a huge potential for misunderstanding when we base our relationships on symbolic interaction. Basically, you would need a relationship dictionary explaining what you are meaning whenever you do something nonverbal in an attempt to communicate something to the other person. Anyway, this was a long post. Just some really interesting things to think about.